If you're relying on your partner to complete you, it means that you're not complete on your own. It means that your well-being, at least in part, has become your partner's responsibility. And you will struggle to feel calm, happy, and at peace on your own.
The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast Episode 2: You're expecting too much from your partner
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Matt: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the Real, Messy Relationship Podcast. My name is Matt Marquez and I'm a relationship coach and this is the place where I share the insights and strategies that I get from my practice and from my own relationship.
And today I want to talk about how you're probably expecting too much from your partner. And I want to start from with the movie actually, Jerry Maguire. So there's that famous movie from the nineties. And there's a scene that kind of the big climactic scene where Tom Cruise comes home. And looks for his, his wife, Renée Zellweger and he like tearfully emotionally romantically tells her "You complete me." And I remember hearing this, you know, growing up. Thinking man. I want that. That sounds awesome. I want a partner who completes me. And it's a message we get a lot, I [00:01:00] think, in our culture. That our romantic partners are the missing pieces of us. They're the parts that complement us, that make us whole.
And what I've learned though in my practice as a relationship coach and just as a person in a relationship is that that's kind of a dangerous way of thinking about your relationship. Because if you're expecting your partner -- you're relying on them to --complete you. It means that you're not complete on your own. It means that your wellbeing, at least in part, is your partner's responsibility. Not necessarily yours.
And, and you can kind of test to see if this is the case for you. Because if you ever find yourself thinking, " Man. I'm not happy. Because my partner, isn't doing X." Or. I would be so much happier, calmer, enjoy my life so much more, if only my partner [00:02:00] did Y.
And if that resonates with you. Then you are almost certainly expecting too much from your partner. And giving them responsibility over your wellbeing, that doesn't really belong to them. And I really want to clarify here that doing this doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you human. Because I do it. Everyone does it. And, and I can give you an example. Uh, from my relationship, how this, how this has happened.
So for a while, my partner and I, we used to exercise together and it was great.
Like we, I think enjoy exercising together because we're able to motivate each other. If we can go at the same time. Uh, we can push each other when it's hard, which is pretty often. And that was a while ago when we're able to do that. Now we have a daughter. Now we have more work responsibilities that are very different and not on the same schedule. And for a long [00:03:00] time, we've been trying to go back to the gym together.
And I kept thinking for a long time, like, why can't she kind of figure out her schedule? Why can't my partner figure out her schedule. Because I'm waiting to exercise. I'm waiting to do this thing that I know I want to do that I need to do to feel good. But I can't do it because my partner doesn't have her schedule. Isn't able to figure out a time to work with me.
And that's exactly, you know, what I'm talking about. I was relying on my partner to help me exercise when it's not her responsibility to do that. But it's very, very easy to fall into this kind of thinking.
And to do this occasionally, man, it's it's normal. It's normal, it happens. But if you do it all the time, or if you, if you kind of get stuck. Thinking, this is the only way I'm going to feel better is if my partner does this one thing, or maybe it's many things. [00:04:00] Man it is, it is going to get very messy, very rough in your relationship.
I think a good analogy might be. Like an, like an elevator. Because when an elevator is operating, normally, it goes up, it goes down, it picks, picks up people, moves them around. But if that elevator is overloaded, if it has too much weight, alarms will go off.
It won't move. It'll be stuck. And I think that's a good analogy because that's how your relationship will feel. You will feel stuck, like you're trapped and you can't move, like you're a hostage until your partner does something that you want them to do. It could be to exercise with you, could be get the car that you want, could be, could be anything.
And if you find yourself in this position, a really good question to ask yourself, is, "Am I waiting for my partner to do something for me?"
If you're not, then. Great. Whew. You know, maybe it's just a tricky situation that [00:05:00] you're trying to feel your way through. That's normal too. But if you are answering, yes, I am waiting. Then I, then I think there's another really good question you can ask yourself. And this is something I've been telling my clients in my work and, and just like my friends.
Like, I just think this is an awesome, awesome question to ask yourself. And that is, "What is the smallest, easiest thing I can do that will help with that."
And so going back to my example, You know, where I was waiting for my partner to exercise with me. And I felt like I couldn't exercise until she made time to do it with me.
So in my mind, I could ask myself, what is the smallest, easiest thing I can do that will help with that? And the answer is, gosh, I could do anything. I could go for a walk on my own. I could do some body weight exercises like pushups, sit ups, stretches. I could do all that stuff on my own. That would be pretty easy.
Like I literally could do it at my office. I could do it at home. I just need five minutes. I need 10 [00:06:00] minutes. I can do that. I don't need to wait for my partner to do that.
And what ended up happening is I actually did do something like that. I started using a rowing machine on my own, but I wanted to do more. And so I started to play tennis. And I kind of fell into the same trap where I was like, Hey Sunaina. That's my partner's name. Do want to play tennis with me?
And that's when she kind of revealed to me. Cause we had, we had played tennis in the past. But then she revealed to me that she didn't really like tennis. She found it kind of, kind of pointless. And I mean, I could have waited forever to be in the mood to play with me, but I didn't want to wait. I didn't want to have to give her responsibility over that.
So I decided to take my own lessons. And so that's what I've been doing is I go to this place. I work with a coach. I go also go to a group lessons. And I can do it whenever I want. Well, not whenever I want, but I can make it happen on my schedule without having to [00:07:00] wait.
And so that, that question, what is the smallest, easy thing I can do that'll help me? I really, really like this question. Because when we think about the stuff that we want, that's missing in our life, that we might be waiting for our partner to do for us. It's so easy to get stuck thinking that that is the only thing that will help. The only thing that will help is when your partner finally does that thing you've been waiting for.
But if you can, ask yourself, this question, what's the smallest, easiest thing you can do. And then you can, if you can answer it. It starts to shift how you think about your obstacle. Because it reminds you that you have the ability to help yourself. You don't have to wait for anyone.
And once you make that first step, once you figure out that smallest, easiest thing. It might be enough. That might be all you need. You might kind of [00:08:00] solve your, your problem right there. And oftentimes it's not enough. That's not going to completely satisfy your need. And that's fine too, because then you can take another step.
You can figure out what the next thing is. And for me, I might've been like, you know, I started out exercising first. And then wanting to do more. And so I started taking lessons. You kind of feel your way out, but notice how there's a very big difference between just waiting and waiting and waiting for my partner to do something versus like actively proactively testing out strategies. What's going to help me?
And then eventually I hit on this lesson thing and like, gosh, I'm not waiting for my partner anymore. I feel good. I'm exercising. I'm doing the things that I want to do that make me feel good in my life. I'm happy without having to rely on my partner.
And when I did this, I took weight off of that overloaded elevator. I took pressure off of my partner. And that's what you do when you start [00:09:00] proactively taking care of yourself and not expecting so much from your partner, relying on them to do so much for you. It just gives you breathing room to see your partner as a person again, and not like a work colleague that you're waiting for, or even worse, as an enemy who's preventing you from getting what you want.
Because I've seen this before. If you're constantly waiting and relying on your partner to do something for you and you keep thinking, that is the only way that you're going to feel better. Eventually, you might start seeing them as an enemy. And that is a rough, rough place to be. You can come back from it. But it really takes these shifts. To give yourself some breathing room. So that you're not actively being angry at your partner all the time.
Being frustrated with them all the time. And then instead you can redirect that energy, that, that anger into a way that you're supporting yourself. So I recommend [00:10:00] giving this a shot. Uh, if you find yourself waiting on your partner. And let me know how it goes. I'd love to hear how, um, how this, how this experience works for you. How this advice helps you.
If you find this useful, if you think other people would benefit from hearing this advice, this perspective, please leave a review. It's the best way to help this podcast grow. If you want to request a topic or a question, send it to me at matt@growmorejoy.com. I read and reply to every email I get.
Thanks again for joining me, and until next time. Thank you.