If you've ever felt like a hypocrite in your relationship, this episode's for you. Spoiler alert: You're not actually a hypocrite.
The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast: You are not a hypocrite
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Matt: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome. My name is Matt Marquez and I'm a relationship coach. And this is where I share real strategies and insights on how to deal with messy relationships. And today I want to talk about how you are not a hypocrite.
This might be a kind of a surprising thing to hear. But bear with me. So first I really want to talk about what does it mean to be a hypocrite in a relationship? The way I think this often shows up is having double standards. Like having a different standard for your partner, compared with yourself.
And so some examples of this might be you tell your partner that they have to eat healthy when you eat a pizza at work. Or you ask your partner to open up and tell you how they feel, but sometimes you also ask for time to be by yourself. And it might also be when you get mad at your partner for not throwing the trash when you haven't done the laundry, like you said you would.
And so there's this idea that [00:01:00] if you are consistent in your standards, you are being fair. You are treating people right or correctly. But this idea of having a contradiction in your behavior is unfair and it's wrong.
And so if you kind of step back a moment, you can tell where this is kind of going. I'm talking, using the words fair versus unfair, right and wrong. This is the language of judgment. And for a lot of us, this is kind of the only way we think about behaviors and actions as right or wrong. Like, even as kids we're always told, there's a right way to act. You have to be fair.
And there is some value in that, but there is also a cost in thinking that way too. Because when you are looking at yourself and your partner through the lens of judgment, it is really, really, really hard to accept someone completely because you're just inherently judging them. Either your partner or yourself.
And this can lead to a really, [00:02:00] really painful cycle. Because let's say one of these situations comes up. Like your partner, doesn't always eat as healthy as you'd like them to. You kind of are able to forgive them and you're like, *oh, okay, fine* you get a pass that one time. And then the next time it's like, oh my gosh, why are we having the same conversation? How can you still be doing this? How can you still be behaving this way? Because if you treat them as if they're doing something wrong, you basically have to forgive them each time and it's just this cycle where you're constantly forgiving your partner or yourself.
And that's not easy. That's not easy to do. And it can lead over time to distance. To just this inherent belief that there was something wrong with someone else or something wrong with yourself, because if you were right, if you were behaving the way that you want to behave, then you wouldn't be having this challenge in the first place.
So that's the [00:03:00] cost of having these judgments and really kind of just thinking of things in terms of am I being a hypocrite? Is my partner being a hypocrite?
And the alternative to this is to step back and let go of the judgment. And the best way I've found to do that is to really embrace your curiosity, and try to understand what is going on because there's always a reason why your partner behaves a certain way.
Why you behave a certain way. Even if you can't always see it right away.
In that first example of your partner, you're telling your partner to eat healthy, and then you're eating a pizza at work. Well, on the one hand, you're telling your partner to eat healthy because you are caring about their safety and their wellbeing. And why are you eating pizza at work then?
It's because maybe you want comfort. Or maybe you're in a hurry and you need something, some food quickly.
If you're asking your partner to open up to you, you might be wanting connection from them and closeness. And then other times, [00:04:00] if you're asking for time alone, that's when you might be needing space and time to reflect and just have more self-awareness.
And if you're getting mad at your partner for not throwing the trash, you might have this need for beauty and you just really care about having a nice clean home, or maybe you want to also have a sense of progress that you guys are actually making a difference in a dent in like all the trash that piles up all the time. And meanwhile, if, if you haven't done the laundry like you said you would, maybe you were prioritizing your need for rest and ease.
And on the outside, all of these examples look hypocritical. But when we examine them, we can see that there are reasons for all of these actions.
It wasn't just because, oh, they're you know, this terrible person they're just hypocritical. No, there are real reasons for all of these behaviors. And in a way you could say that they, that there are still double standards being applied here because they are actually different situations. [00:05:00] And the reasons for each of those actions are different.
And one way to really step outside that, that lens of, of judgment, that lens of hypocrisy, is that when you catch yourself thinking of your partner or yourself as a hypocrite,
I think what you are actually trying to say is, "I don't understand why they're doing this or why I am doing this." Calling someone a hypocrite is basically an admission that you don't understand what's going on. If you catch yourself saying that H word hypocrite, that can be your reminder to think about, what is going on?
What is the reason why this is happening? Becaue there i s a reason there's always, at least one reason. There might even be many reasons. And when you know those reasons, it's like a little white light bulb goes off in your head. Ah, I get it. I get what's going on here. And when you get it. You can have compassion for it and you can accept it. And that's not the same thing as agreeing with that reason, [00:06:00] or wanting to encourage it. It's just you accepting this is the way things are right now. It's going to be true, whether you accept it or not. But when you accept it, that's when you start to have the ability to move on with your life in some way, and actually take action.
Like you can choose how you're going to respond instead of just being like, oh, they're just being hypocritical. I guess there's nothing I can do about it. Because there's something you could do about it.
And let's break down those examples again. So, in the example where telling your partner to eat healthy, and then you're eating pizza at work. The traditional way of responding would be to say, oh, I'm such a hypocrite. I shouldn't be able to say something to my partner, if I can't even eat a salad myself.
Or you can understand the reasons, why you acted the way you did because you wanted comfort or maybe you wanted food quickly. You were in a hurry. And so with that information, with that understanding, you could decide, oh, maybe I'll just bring food from home. Or maybe I'm going to decide [00:07:00] what I'm going to get for lunch before I get hungry. So I don't feel like I have to choose the pizza.
And the other example, you want to ask your partner to open up to you because you want more connection, but you're asking for more time and space. You might say. I'm too demanding. Or there's something wrong with my partner or our relationship.
There's something fundamentally wrong because of the way we're acting here. But if you try to understand the reasons that there is a desire for connection and closeness, from your partner, but also a desire for space, and maybe self-awareness when you asked for time alone. With that understanding you might realize, actually, maybe we both sometimes need space and maybe we can make a plan that communicates that to each other when it's really hard.
So maybe you can come up with a code word. And you can agree on it beforehand that that codeword means, Right now I need some time alone to process my feelings, but I still love you. And I'll talk with you when I'm ready. That's something you can plan.[00:08:00]
And so for the third example, if you get mad with your partner for not throwing the trash, when you haven't done the laundry, like you said, so relatable for me. The traditional way of looking at this might be, they're so lazy. Like I am tired from having to do everything.
But if you can look at the reasons why you're mad at your partner because you want progress. You want cleanliness. Whereas you're prioritizing rest and ease for not doing the laundry.
You might, you might use that information, that understanding to realize, wow, we're both having a hard time keeping up with our chores, keeping this house clean. Maybe we can clean together. So we're supporting each other, maybe we can make this a cooperative collaborative experience.
And that's the choice you get when you understand, why something seems hypocritical. Because when you understand it, then you realize you have a choice on how to proceed.
Instead of just feeling like [00:09:00] all you can do is judge it, judge the situation. Because once you start judging something, you get stuck, you get stuck in judgment, you get stuck in shame and wishing things were different. But when you can have that curiosity to understand what's going on. That's when you allow yourself to feel compassion, for the situation for the reasons for what's going on, you can have compassion, you can feel acceptance and then you can move on. That's when you have that choice.
It's not easy. And nobody succeeds all the time. I definitely don't. I tell my wife all the time that she looks great because she does. She looks fantastic. But then I look in the mirror. And sometimes I tell myself, gosh, you look older, you look fatter.
So you could call me a hypocrite too. But I really try to be aware of those times that I judge myself or my partner. Because I know that that awareness gives me a choice. I can hold onto my judgment and be stuck. [00:10:00] Or I can accept it. And decide what I want to do next.
And that's, what's helped me to find the motivation to do things like start physical therapy for my injured ankle. And also helps me feel more compassion and love toward my partner, when I can tell that she's having a hard time.
And so my invitation to you is if you find yourself thinking of your partner or yourself as a hypocrite, Ask yourself.
What are the reasons for those actions? Why did my partner do that? Why did I do that? Because when you understand the reasons you have a choice, and you can choose to use that information to find a solution. You can also just choose to accept, Hey, this is the way things are. This is how it is.
But either way. You will have a better chance of moving on with your life. Instead of just trying to decide, what's right or what's wrong, what's fair, or what's unfair. [00:11:00] Because there's no answer to that. You can spend your entire life trying to decide that.
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