If you do most of the heavy lifting in your relationship, and your partner doesn't seem motivated to support you.... it's natural to wonder, why is my partner so selfish?
The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast: Why is your loving partner so selfish?
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Matt: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome. My name is Matt Marquez. I'm a relationship coach, and this is where I share insights and strategies to handle the messy challenges of being in a real relationship
And today I want to explore why your loving partner seems so selfish. And so this might really resonate with you, if you feel like you do most of the heavy lifting in your relationship. And meanwhile, your partner doesn't seem that motivated to offer help. You know they love you and care for you. They're just not offering to help a lot.
And so it's natural to wonder why is my partner so selfish? And it might be hard to believe this, but there is a good chance that your partner doesn't realize that you want or need their help. And I'm speaking from the perspective of a relationship coach and also the quote unquote selfish partner in this situation because my partner and I have learned that we think about our family and household responsibilities very differently. Our goal is the same. We both want to support each other and have a healthy, happy family.
[00:01:00] But the way we tend to approach these responsibilities can create an imbalance. And this isn't about, you know, who's right or wrong. This is about understanding what's going on.
Think of, of a relationship like a canoe.
And for me, I assume things are going just fine with our canoe, unless I actually see a leak and that's when I'll take action. Meanwhile, my partner's looking for cracks and ways to make our canoe sturdier and stronger. And so responsibilities, like chores, watching our daughter. These are things that I will take on. And then I'll see how it feels. And then I'll decide if I need to do more or less based on that.
Meanwhile, my partner will basically try to do as much as she possibly can. So from the outside looking in it, it really looks like I am super selfish because my partner is doing a ton. And I'm not doing nearly as much.
And there's nothing right or wrong about either of these outlooks. Maybe one of them [00:02:00] feels right to you and one feels wrong , but I invite you to think about them as just being different.
Because it does make sense to look for cracks. You're likely getting a lot done. And things don't slip through those cracks.
And it also makes sense to go with the flow because it can mean that you show up in your relationship with patience and calm and joy and laughter. But when you think that one outlook is right and the other is wrong, that's when you start thinking of your partner as selfish or lazy or uptight or controlling.
And one other element I think that really highlights what's going on here is I'm really comfortable asking my partner for support and asking her to contribute. My family did this growing up, we were pretty open about it. It's not a big deal for me to ask for, for that support.
But my partner is not nearly as comfortable doing this. This is actually quite difficult for her, almost painful for her. And so as a result of these dynamics, my partner [00:03:00] can really be doing a lot heavy lifting in our relationship. And I often do less. And I fully admit it really looks like I am super, super selfish here.
And one thing that has really helped us though, to shift this dynamic and also just feel better about our relationship is that we've talked openly about what's going on in our relationship about all of these details. These are things that we have talked about at length.
And so we've both learned how we're hardwired. And that gives us really important context. Because if I don't offer as much help as my partner, maybe is hoping for, or is expecting. She's learned to understand that it's not because I don't care or I don't want to help her, that I'm just being, you know, incredibly selfish.
And I've learned that my partner won't always speak up when she needs my support. So I've really learned to be more intentional about looking for ways to support her. Like making dinner or doing bedtime with our daughter.[00:04:00]
And if you're experiencing this kind of dynamic in your relationship, I really encourage you to talk about it with your partner. And really try to understand how you look at your responsibilities. And you can straight up ask, "What feels like a reasonable way to share our responsibilities?"
And one way to think about this is to, to consider what are the things that feel easier for you to do. And what feels easier for your partner to do. And that might be a helpful way to really start to look at how to divide up those responsibilities.
And another really important question to ask each other is, "How can we ask and offer each other support?" You might want to have a weekly check-in with each other to see who's kind of struggling, who could use some more support? Could do that once a week, could do twice a week. Could do as frequently as is appropriate for you guys.
And if you can answer both of those questions, "What feels like a reasonable way to share our responsibilities?" And also, "How can we ask and offer help for each other?" If you can answer those [00:05:00] questions, then you'll really be in a strong position to adapt to different circumstances. Because your lives and your responsibilities will always be changing. That's just the nature of life. And your energy and your ability to carry out those responsibilities will also always be changing.
Brene Brown has talked about something that I think is really, really insightful, and that is that there is no such thing as a 50-50 split in marriage or any relationship. Sometimes you have a crummy day at work and you're just beat. So you get home and it feels like there's a lot to do. And, you know you can't really do it all yourself.
Hopefully you can ask your partner at that point: "I'm beat. Can you cover for me tonight? Can you do the dishes? Can you help with bedtime? Can you water the plants, whatever it is you might need to do."
Because when you can openly talk about your responsibilities and you're regularly offering help to each other. Then you both understand that you're doing your best. Each of you are doing your best. Regardless of what it looks like from the [00:06:00] outside.
If you found this information useful, please rate and review this podcast. That's the best way to help other people discover it. And if you have any questions or topics that you'd like me to explore that are related to relationships, please send me an email at matt@growmorejoy.com. That is M A T T @ growmorejoy.com. Thanks for joining me.