To feel happier, more rested, and more fulfilled, it's helpful to consider what might be missing from your relationship -- especially if you’re juggling a ton of responsibilities and feeling like nothing you do is ever enough for your kids, your partner, or yourself.
Click here to read the needs sheet by NYCNVC.org.
The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast Episode 6: What is your relationship missing?
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Matt: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Real, Messy Relationship Podcast. My name is Matthew Marquez and I'm your host and I'm a relationship coach. And this is where I share the real strategies and insights on how to deal with your messy relationship. And today I want to talk about what is your relationship missing?
And this is a real important question, especially if you are juggling a ton of responsibilities and feeling like nothing you do is ever enough for your kids, your partner, or yourself.
And this question, what is your relationship missing? When I ask this, or some version of this question to people, the standard response is to just basically offer an incremental improvement or change on their relationship. That's what how people tend to respond. They'll say, well, it's, I just want a little bit more connection. I want a little bit more ease. I want a little bit more of something, but it's basically the same relationship just slightly better in some way. [00:01:00]
And usually a lot of times what people will even say is they'll cut themselves off. They'll start to answer the question. They'll be like, well, you know, I should be grateful. I know I should be grateful. I know it could be worse. Other people have it worse.
And what I've realized is that a lot of people really, really struggle to answer this question to think about what is my relationship missing? Because It's like there's, we have this belief that we have to be grateful for everything we have and we have to be so grateful that we won't even imagine what we might want to change about it.
And so to really get a more useful answer to this idea of understanding what's missing from your relationship, what do you want out of your relationship, you really have to flip the question around and focus not on what's missing in your relationship and your life, but really focus on what do you dream about [00:02:00] having more of?
And I think the truth is that we don't really think about our dreams enough because dreams are just so incredibly powerful. It gives you a goal to work toward and it also really reminds you of why your hard work matters, why all of your effort you know, means something.
And so the way that I ask this question to find out what's missing in your relationship is to flip it around. And, and actually this is like my, probably my favorite question to ask people. And this is, "If you could wave a magic wand and change anything about your relationship and your life, what would that look like?"
And I really encourage you to be as specific as you can. Start with your relationship. Imagine how that would change. And then imagine your life beyond that. I'm going to pause right now because I really want you to answer this question yourself.
Okay. The [00:03:00] reason I think this is one of my favorite questions to ask is because I get to hear these amazing, beautiful dreams. People will tell me how they want their husbands to make them the priority. They want exciting, adventurous getaways to vacation homes in Mexico. They want to be laughing and smiling with their kids and their husband all the time. They want more time and energy to really make a difference in their career. It's just, it's amazing how much people come alive when they think about their dreams.
I get a little bit sad thinking about this that we think we need magic, we think we need a magic wand to achieve these things in our lives, to reach them, to make these changes, but the truth is we don't. We absolutely do not need magic, I'll show you exactly what I mean.
So think back to your answer, if you could wave a magic wand and change anything about your relationship and life, what would that look like? So think [00:04:00] back to what you answered. Whatever you answered they reveal the needs that are really, really important to you.
And needs are basically just all the things that people need to survive and thrive. There's a whole bunch of them. I'll include a link in the show description with the list of needs that, that I use, but it's basic things like rest and space, but it's also things like connection, progress, meaning, community. There's all these things that we need to survive.
So however you answered the magic wand question, those can be broken down to needs. So for example, someone once told me, I really want to have a second home in Mexico where we are able to get away and just vacation there whenever we want.
And so if you can break that down, that could reveal needs for adventure. Also rest. [00:05:00] and beauty to be surrounded by a beautiful environment. So if someone who said they wanted their husband to make them the priority, that might reveal a need for consideration, for support, for comfort. And somebody who wanted to be able to focus on their career, they have a need to have more progress, to have more meaning and purpose in their lives.
So there is a way to break down everything that you're dreaming about in that magic wand question. Those are the most important things to you right now. And that's what you're working toward.
And the reason I say you don't need a magic wand to achieve those things is that all of those things, when you break them down to the needs, they are all achievable. Like, immediately. You don't need magic, you don't need to wait years, you don't need to wait for your kids to grow up to achieve them. You can get some version of them [00:06:00] immediately.
And when you start to bring more of that into your life, it will transform your relationship and your life immediately. I see it happen all the time. And so I'll give you some examples. The way I'd like to think about it, and the way I talk to people about it is, What's something you can do today to start meeting those needs?
And so with your magic wand answer, you're thinking, I want more adventure. Well, instead of waiting until you can afford a second home in Mexico or Spain or wherever, you can plan a weekend at the beach, just a weekend getaway. And that will give you some adventure. It's not going to be the extreme version, but it's a version of it that you can have now.
And you will still feel the adventure. You will still feel the excitement. It will still satisfy you in a way that you no longer feel like things are missing from your life because it will be there in a way that it wasn't.
So if you're needing more rest and [00:07:00] comfort in your relationship, you could ask your husband to take the kids one morning so you can sleep in. Maybe you can go out and treat yourself to a nice meal, a nice breakfast. If you're wanting more connection, you could invite your partner or you could call up a friend and invite them to a coffee date or plan a phone call to catch up with them.
What I really hope this illustrates is how I don't think we allow ourselves to dream enough, because we think dreams are unreasonable, or they're too much to ask for, that we should just be grateful for what we have and just accept life and relationships for what they are.
And there's some merit to that. But if you want more in your life, if you want to live your dreams, you first have to give yourself permission to think about them. And I think this is a really good question to ask especially just if you are really struggling if you're just feeling like you're barely keeping your head above water "What does my dream relationship look [00:08:00] right now if I could wave that magic wand?" If you can ask yourself that question, it's going to give you a roadmap on how to take care of yourself in the short term and for the rest of your life.
If you found this episode useful, please rate and review this podcast it's the best way to help others find it. And if you'd like to stay updated with future episodes and also get my best relationship advice and insights, sign up for my newsletter at growmorejoy.com/newsletter. Thank you and until next time.