When you know why you're in a relationship, you're more likely to find the patience and energy to show up the way you want to. Even when things get messy and hard, which is, god, like all the time.
The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast Episode 1: The reason you're in your relationship matters
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[00:00:00] Matt: Welcome to The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast. So this podcast exists because real relationships are messy and I'm tired of everyone pretending like they have to be this neat, shiny thing that's perfect and organized. Cause they're not, and they never will be. My name is Matt Marquez. I'm a relationship coach and I'm in a relationship.
[00:00:23] So I know the truth. Of how messy these things can be. And this podcast is going to be my place to share insights and strategies that I want to tell my brother, my friends, my clients, my mom. And everyone else I care about because the truth is that your romantic relationship probably has more impact on your daily life and wellbeing than anything else. I know when I have a fight with my partner, I feel like crap. And if we're, you know, talking and feeling good and feeling connected, gosh, I, I feel like I [00:01:00] can do anything.
[00:01:01] To kick this off, I really want to share one thought today that has really served me well. And I've seen it really make a difference with my clients as well. And that is to ask yourself, what is your, why? And Simon Sinek has a famous talk about how important your, why is as it relates to business and ideas, but it really applies to relationships as well. Because when you know why you're in a relationship and why you care about it and what you stand for, then you're more likely to find the patience and energy to show up. Even when things get messy and hard, which is, god, like, like all the time. And I'm going to give you some examples from some of my clients.
[00:01:45] Like some clients have told me that their wedding vows are the things that they think about when things are hard, because they'll remember, I said in my wedding vows till death do us part and I, I take that vow seriously. And that, that just helps them find the [00:02:00] strength to be a little bit more patient, to be a little bit more understanding when it gets hard. And some of my clients have told me that, they wanted to know what it felt like to put all of themselves in their relationship, because they remember what it, what it felt like when they kind of held back. When they weren't giving it, their all.
[00:02:20] And so they didn't want to feel that again.
[00:02:23] And so that's what they remember when it gets hard and they want to just try to do a little bit more in their relationship.
[00:02:30] And actually that's that's, that was true for me too. Um, I actually remember before I went on my first date with my partner, I remember thinking to myself, " I really want to know what it feels like to just put my entire heart into this relationship. Even knowing that I will almost certainly be hurt. I just want to know that I gave it my absolute best chance, even if it doesn't work out. And I [00:03:00] did that. And I try to be the most patient, understanding, compassionate and self-compassionate person I could be. Also just trying to be okay with myself as I struggled along in this relationship. But I think that having that mindset allowed me to get to where I am now. Where my relationship is, I think one of the, my greatest treasures, the things I most cherish in my life. And it's still super messy, super challenging, but it's also incredibly fulfilling.
[00:03:34] And I think having that commitment from the beginning, knowing why I was willing to put my effort into it, put my heart into it, has helped me get to where I am now. And there's one other, one other part of that story that I want to share, because after a few years of being with my partner, we, we got married and like a couple years after that, Um, my partner got pregnant. [00:04:00] And she got me this book. And it's called. Uh, actually, I, I think it's called Conscious Parenting by Dr. Shefali. And I'm not going to pretend like I read the whole book because I did not. But I read the first chapter or two. And in that book, Dr. Shefali talks about how, if you want to raise a child who is compassionate, understanding, well adjusted, you cannot just tell them to do those things, to be those things. You have to show them. By embodying it yourself, by demonstrating and being that model. And I remember reading that, closing the book. And then swearing.
[00:04:44] I used some swear words that I'm not going to repeat now. And to be honest, I don't think I ever picked up that book again. But, that moment, after reading it, was kind of the second, why that I think has, has shaped my relationship, shaped my commitment to it [00:05:00] because I realized at that moment, that I wanted my future child who now is almost four. I wanted her to know what it looks like when someone follows their heart. Chases their dreams. And loves with their whole heart. Even if it means getting hurt sometimes.
[00:05:22] And so that's what I remember when it feels hard in my relationship, when it feels messy.
[00:05:29] I remember, I want to love with my whole heart. Because I want that experience for myself. And I want to show what that looks like to my daughter. So that someday, hopefully she can do the same thing in her relationships.
[00:05:44] So I invite you, to think about what's your why. To consider, why are you in your relationship?
[00:05:49] Not, not because of what do you want offer someone else, but what are you getting out of it? What experience do you want out of it?
[00:05:58] Cause if you can understand [00:06:00] that. And remember that. It will help you show up the way you want to show up. When it's real. And when it's messy.
[00:06:10] Thanks for joining me. And I'll see you next time.