With all due respect to the Beatles, love is only part of what it takes to build a healthy relationship. Listen in to learn why that is, and learn two powerful steps that can clear the air between you and your partner even after years of blaming each other.
If you're interested in turning your relationship into a true partnership filled with love, respect, and trust, get in touch with me at matt@growmorejoy.com.
The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast: Episode 8: Is love all you need?
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Matt: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Real Messy Relationship Podcast. My name is Matt Marquez and I'm your host. I'm a relationship coach and this is where I share the real strategies and insights on how to deal with the messy reality of being in a relationship. And so you might not notice this if you're listening to this podcast in normal audio form, but I'm trying out the video format, so you can welcome to find this on my YouTube @GrowingMoreJoy. And that's the same handle for all my socials, so if y'all want to check me out on Instagram or Facebook, that's that's also where you can find me.
So in this episode, I want to explore the idea of whether or not love is all you need in a relationship.
And I think most people would obviously say, like, no, that's, that's not all you need. You know, the Beatles, notwithstanding, love is just a portion of what it takes to be in a loving, healthy relationship.
But not too long ago, I was actually in a room with some family members, and they were all kind of circling around, [00:01:00] giving advice and talking to another family member who was going through a tough time in their relationship.
And this person was actually trying to decide if their relationship was worth fighting for. And so several times I kept hearing a variation of this kind of advice, which was, if you love someone, the relationship should feel easy. Or when you love someone enough, you're excited to put in the work. So this was like a clear suggestion that as long as you and your partner love each other enough, then it shouldn't really feel hard. And I'm not saying this is wrong. This idea is wrong, but it's really not the full picture. Okay. Actually, I'm going to say it's mostly wrong. And. I think the reality is that when I work with couples, there's really no shortage of love.
The couples I work with, they say, we know we've got this great thing going underneath all this stuff that's, that's bubbled up over the years. We, we love each other. We care [00:02:00] for each other. We have kids, we have a house, we have this life that from the outside looking in looks pretty sweet, but why does it feel so hard still?
And the real reason I think it usually feels hard in a relationship especially when you've been with your partner for a while is that it's really hard to resolve disagreements and arguments with your partner and still hold on to that feeling of being in love
And this sounds kind of crazy I know but if you didn't have long-term memories, I think It wouldn't really be a problem. I think being in a relationship would actually be pretty easy because then you might disagree with your partner about something and it wouldn't really matter if you got what you wanted or not because you wouldn't remember.
But of course you do remember and you might argue about who gets a break from the kids to get a coffee or to go to yoga class and if your partner got the break last time and then they want another break, it starts to feel unfair.
And even if you don't try [00:03:00] to keep count, that's kind of what happens You just start keeping score about all sorts of things things like who gets more free time. Who gets to spend more money. Who gets to decide what the kids eat. Who gets to choose where the vacations are. Who decides where you live?
And when it feels like you're getting the short end of the stick in too many places or in ways that you really, really care about, that's when love stops feeling like enough.
You can almost think about it like a weight scale, and on one side is the love and trust and respect you share with your partner, and then on the other side is the hurt and the sadness and the disappointment and the resentment that builds up when your relationship feels unfair. And over time, that side can feel heavier and heavier until, like, your whole relationship feels like it hangs in the balance.
And that's when small disagreements can set off really, really big arguments. Because you're not just arguing about this small thing, like, who gets to choose [00:04:00] where to eat dinner, but you're arguing about how this is just one of countless examples of how your partner is being unfair. And it happens to everyone. Even couples who are deeply, deeply in love.
So how do you resolve this feeling of unfairness? How do you tip the scales back toward love and respect and happiness and acceptance? There are two main ways that I think are really effective in doing this. And there's a lot of ways to accomplish them, but these are the two things that I think really help.
And the first is to really understand and come to terms with your own hurt and suffering. And you might journal, you might talk to a therapist, you could work with me. Because this is a key part of the work I do with people and relationships. Because when you're coming to terms with your own hurt and suffering, you're really starting to understand why you feel this way. What has happened. that has led you to this place.
And this process helps put [00:05:00] everything into context, put your feelings into context, that this relationship isn't hard because you and your partner don't love each other enough or there's something wrong with you or your partner. They're just things that have happened that over time have led you to this feeling.
And when you get to this realization, you start to see that you don't really have to stay in this place of hurt and suffering. It might feel like you're kind of stuck there, but when you realize that you haven't been in this place maybe for as long as you thought, and there are specific reasons why you're here, I think you start to realize that there are reasons that you can get out of this place.
And that's really when the second part of this process comes in, which is to deeply understand your partner and their actions that have contributed to creating this painful situation. And, yes, your partner played a role in creating this situation, but they probably never intended to make you feel this way.
And, and this process of trying to understand them helps you remember and recognize that they're not your enemy, [00:06:00] even though they've felt like it at times, even though it can feel like you're competing. They didn't start out as your enemy, and they probably never intended to be one all along.
And when you do these two things, when you start to understand your own hurt, and also understand your partner's actions, it has this effect of clearing the air.
And remember those, those scales that I was talking about earlier, it doesn't necessarily wipe them clean, but it does take a lot of the weight off of them and allows you to feel the love you have for your partner again. You can start to feel like a team again, and that's when you can start to reshape how you talk to each other, how you think about your relationship and how to start building the rest of your lives together with more trust, acceptance, and love.
If this episode resonated with you and you want to learn more about how to make these changes in your relationship, please reach out to me. My email is matt@growmorejoy.com.
And if you found this episode useful, please rate and review this podcast. It's the best way to help other people find it. And if [00:07:00] you'd like to stay updated with future episodes and get my best relationship advice sent to your inbox, sign up for my newsletter at GrowMoreJoy.com/newsletter. Until next time.