Have you ever tried to nag, beg, or wait for your partner to change? It usually doesn't end well, right? In this episode, learn about a different way to invite lasting change into your relationship in a way that will feel better for you and your partner.
The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast: Episode 7 - Can you change your partner?
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Matt: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Real, Messy Relationship Podcast. I'm your host, Matt Marquez. I'm a relationship coach. And this is where I share the real strategies and insights into how to deal with the messy reality of being in a relationship.
And today I want to talk about, can you change your partner or expect them to change for you? And this topic actually came up during a conversation while I was visiting family recently. It's kind of cool cause I was in a room with my, my aunt who has been married for several decades and also my cousin, who had just gotten married the day before.
And I shared a few thoughts there. But I've been thinking about it more and I wanted to go deeper here with you. And so to answer that question, can you change your partner or expect them to change for you? My short answer is no, I don't believe you can change your partner in any specific way.
And so if you are hoping that your partner will start prioritizing your needs more, or wanting to listen and understand you better, or even change [00:01:00] careers to earn more money for your family, I don't really think it's reasonable to expect that change just to happen, or even for you to be able to force your partner to change in those ways.
And I know that might sound sad and disappointing, but there's a, there's a big exception to this. Just being a partner and also my work as a relationship coach, I have learned that you can make invitations to your partner that can lead to these kinds of changes.
And there's a big, big, massive difference between trying to force a change in your partner and making an invitation to them to make those changes. Because the first way, trying to force a change. That's nagging. That's begging them. That's silently waiting and watching for your partner to change. That's it's essentially, you're trying to push them or even kind of manipulate them into behaving differently. Maybe even thinking differently about things.
And this rarely feels good. [00:02:00] It doesn't feel good for you because you're feeling impatient. You're disappointed. You're angry with them. And they're not feeling good either because they're feeling judged. Like they aren't good enough for you. They might actually try to make these changes for you. But if you know, you're still thinking, gosh, why aren't they doing more? Why don't they do it in this specific way? There's still that feeling of judgment. There's still that anger, that disappointment. And that's how distance and resentment grows in relationship. And it just sucks. It really, really sucks.
And so this almost never works. Trying to force change almost never works. Even if it's kind of effective in the short term. It is definitely not effective in the longterm.
But offering an invitation does work and it can create change because a key difference is that an invitation like by definition is not forcing anything. And there are a lot of ways to make an invitation, but they basically have three parts. And those three [00:03:00] parts are one. Describe the situation. Two. Explain why you want to change the situation. And then three. Invite your partner to work with you to figure out what that change could look like.
And I'll give you an example from, from my relationship. For a while my partner Sunaina, would order for me at restaurants and it just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I know, it sounds kind of silly, but I just don't really like it when someone tells me what to do or speaks on my behalf. And it happened enough that it would affect my mood. And I would get grumpy and I didn't want to be grumpy at dinners together. I didn't want to show up that way. And so I knew I wanted my partner to change. And to stop ordering for me.
So, if I wanted to try to force this change, I could have said stop ordering for me. I don't like it. You're embarrassing me. And she probably would have felt bad and, and stopped ordering for me. And so, in a sense, it, it might've been [00:04:00] effective. But because I'm telling her basically what to do, there's probably going to be some part of her, like, jeez, he could have been a little bit nicer about that. Like there likely would be some hurt on her part. And not that this would exactly lead to resentment, but if I was telling her to make a bigger change, then it could, it actually could cause resentment. But I didn't do this. And instead I made an invitation.
And so the first part of that describe the situation. And so that sounded like me saying, Hey, Sunaina, sometimes when we go to these restaurants, you order for me. And I don't really get the chance to order for myself. And step two. Explain why you want to change the situation. Sometimes, I know it sounds silly, but I kind of get embarrassed when you order for me, it kind of feels like you don't think I can order for myself or, I can't make these decisions for myself and speak up for myself. And I know that's not true, but I just, I feel that way [00:05:00] sometimes.
And then the third step is I invited her to work with me to figure out what that change could look like. It sounded something like, would you be open to just chatting with me and just talking to me, figure out, like, how can we do this differently so that I just don't feel so embarrassed. And then of course, you know, Sunaina was explaining how she had no idea I felt that way. And she didn't want me to feel that way either. She was just kind of doing it automatically ordering automatically and, and actually she very quickly suggested, you know, would it help if I just check in with you first, whether you want to order or not.
And that turned out to be exactly the perfect solution. She would just kind of check in with me before the waiter came -- actually we've done it so many times now that she just kind of looks at me and I either like nod or I answer myself. And the funny thing kind of happened since then, though, is that when she checks with me and asks with her eyes, sometimes if I want to order, I don't really mind if she orders for me. Because I know she understands how I feel about it and because she's still checking [00:06:00] with me, I know she cares about how I feel and what I want. So I don't even feel like I have to order.
Just through this invitation my partner did change and this change was in a small way, but it was a meaningful change for me. And we both feel good about it.
So the next time you're tempted to nag or beg or just kind of wait and stew, wishing your partner would change in some way, try making an invitation. It might not lead to the exact specific outcome you're hoping for. But it still can lead to a change that works for you and for your partner. And that is the type of change that will last longer and feel better for you both.
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