Does it feel like you're not allowed to be yourself in your marriage? Join relationship coach and host Matt Marquez to learn where this feeling comes from and how to take practical steps to create more space in your marriage for the parts of you that don't always feel accepted by your partner.
The Real, Messy Relationship Podcast Episode 9: Can you be yourself in your marriage?
===
[00:00:00] Hello and welcome to the Real, Messy Relationship Podcast. I'm your host, Matt Marquez. I'm a relationship coach, and this is where I share real strategies on how to deal with the messy reality of being in a relationship. And so today I want to talk about can you truly be yourself in a marriage or long-term relationship.
And this is something that I've seen come up with some of the people I've been coaching and working with. It's really easy to get into this idea that you can't really be fully yourself in your relationship. Because if you do something that you want, like go out with friends or you're talking about like, I want to go work and I want to leave the kids at home and I want to have a job. And you want to do this thing. And then it seems like your partner isn't happy about it, is a little upset about it or disagrees with you in some way about it.
It can really feel like you're not allowed to do this thing. Like you have to choose between [00:01:00] these are the things I want to do. And then this is what my partner wants and is okay with me doing.
If they kind of seem upset or disappointed or they're not fully on board. It's like, maybe this isn't allowed. Maybe I can't do all the things I want to do. Just be the person I want to be. And, and as a result, I mean, this can feel really limiting, stifling, disappointing and I mean, it can be crushing, honestly, because if there are things that you really, really want to do. And then to feel like you can't do them it can create this feeling of being trapped. Like trapped in your relationship trapped and like being put in like this box where everything that's inside, that's what you're allowed to do. And everything that displeases your partner in some way, that's not allowed. Because if you do it, you just don't want to deal with the arguments with the harsh words or just being critical or like, it could even just be that look of like disappointment [00:02:00] and like, oh my God, this again. If you just don't want to deal with it and get tired of it, you stop bringing that up and you stop doing the things that, you know you want to do, like go to the gym, hang out with friends, look for a new job. And, and so this can really feel like you're not being yourself. You're not really allowed to be yourself in your relationship.
And if you're in this place, it can really start to feel like your relationship is an obligation. It's like a job, you're just like managing your partner's emotions instead of really focusing on just enjoying life and doing the things that you want to do. And, and if you're in this place for a while, that's where you can start to lose a sense of intimacy, a sense of connection, love and joy in your relationship.
And if it's not they're in your relationship, you're going to struggle to have that in your life.
What I would say about, can you truly be yourself in your marriage? I would say you have to be. You have to be yourself fully in your marriage, in your relationship. If you [00:03:00] want connection, if you want love and care and support, like deep heartfelt satisfaction of these things, fulfillment of these needs.
Like I think you have to be yourself. And then that's how you start to feel loved, fulfilled, safe. If you want to feel safe in your relationship, you have to be able to be yourself and know that you're accepted as who you are by your partner. Because if you don't feel accepted, you're never going to feel safe. And so that might be something to keep in mind if you're really struggling with this.
If you find yourself, tiptoeing around your partner's emotions or feeling like you're really just trying to avoid making them angry. Think it's really important to remember that being in a relationship is an act of co-creation. It is a partnership. That's, that's what it's called. It's a partnership.
And that really only happens when your voice, when your opinion, your wants and needs start to matter again. And so let's say that there's something you've asked for. Maybe you said in the past, Hey, I really want to spend some more time with my friends. We want to go get coffee.
We want to go out for drinks, [00:04:00] whatever it is. And maybe your partner is like, Ugh. That's not really a good time. That's not, it doesn't really work for me. In the past that might've been the end of the conversation. You're like, okay, this is not allowed. But what I'd really like to invite you to try is too restart that act of co-creation, restart that conversation of okay, if the way I suggested it before didn't work for you, how might it work for you? You can say this to your partner. If I do want to go see friends sometimes like, would it be better if I went during the day, we could go get coffee sometimes I could do coffee dates or would you prefer, I go do something in the evening.
We could go get drinks or just like, hang out, go see a movie or whatever. As long as it's something that you want to do, that's something that you can offer. And then it becomes a conversation where you're both trying to figure out how to make space for this part of you, that's important that you care about this thing, that you need this connection with your friends. Maybe it's like, okay, well on the weekends you can make time to go do this thing and see your friends. And as long as it works for your partner [00:05:00] and it works for you, like that's awesome.
That means there's space after all, to be yourself, to do these things that you care about. And be in your relationship. The more you do that, the more you can feel like yourself, like you have that freedom and choice in your relationship. That's going to be easier to feel safe and secure in your relationship.
The more likely you're going to be feeling that love and connection and support. Cause you're, you're like, oh yeah, my partner has my back. They also want me to have these things that I care about. This is really the process of moving from I'm trapped, I'm in a box to let's realize this isn't a box, this is our lives that we're building together and we can make room together so that there's space for both of us to be ourselves fully.
And as long as you are approaching that with that air of like let's, co-create it let's do it together. And this sense of collaboration. There's an answer. There's always an answer. It won't necessarily look like the way you expect it, or the way you kind of went in thinking, this is what I want, [00:06:00] but there is a way to still meet your need. And have it work for your partner.
So if you found this episode useful, please rate and review this podcast, it's the best way to help other people find it. And if you'd like to stay updated with future episodes or just get my best advice sent to your inbox, sign up for my mailing list at GrowMoreJoy.com/newsletter. Until next time.